Entry tags:

tv

Until a few days ago, I was unaware of the existence of a Ben-Stiller-directed TV pilot starring Jack Black as a solar-powered genius who solves crimes with his Owen-Wilson-voiced talking motorcycle when the two aren't engaged in deadly battle with their eternal archenemy Ron Silver (playing himself).

Now that deficiency in my education has been corrected. Yay!

I must share. Here's a script draft, and a link to the torrent. And a fan site, too.

       [TITLE SEQUENCE: LAYERED SOUND AND IMAGES]

       -- A mission control voice: “Three, two, one.”  A ROCKET 
       BLASTS OFF.  Deep, pounding music.

       -- JACK AUSTIN is in a pilot’s seat, reacting to the G-
       force with a raise of his eyebrow.

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
                 Jack Austin, American astronaut.

       -- A three-sectioned screen shows images of a rocket 
       soaring through space, Jack’s face and the BLAZING SUN. 

                           NARRATOR (cont’d) (V.O.)
                 Exposed to inappropriate levels of 
                 solar energy.

       -- Computer graphics: A human brain EXPANDS.

       -- [part of the super intelligence sequence:] Jack 
       screams beneath hundreds of exploding lightbulbs.

                           JACK (V.O.)
                 I...KNOW...EVERYTHING!!!!

       -- Jack is standing over a chess board, moving the white 
       pieces with his left hand, the black pieces with his 
       right, hitting the clocks with blinding speed.  He seems 
       bewildered by his own ability.

                           SCIENTIST (V.O.)
                 Sunlight makes him the world’s most 
                 intelligent man!

       -- RON SILVER is on a car phone.  A voice from the other 
       end says, “I want that brain taken out.”

       -- In a white, hospital-like hallway, Jack sees Ron 
       Silver coming at him and runs away.

       -- Outside NASA, Jack runs through a door, followed by 
       Ron.  Ron shoots an evil-looking ray gun.  Jack ducks.   

       -- A blonde man (we don’t see his face) and the orange 
       motorcycle on which he’s seated are ENGULFED in a 
       blinding FLASH.

       -- Computer graphics: a motorcycle ABSORBS a human body.

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
                 Heat Vision, a motorcycle with the 
                 mind of Jack’s unemployed roommate.

       -- Heat Vision’s console.  The dial turns to IGNITION.  
       The RPMs soar.

       -- Heat Vision pops a wheely.

       -- Far shot of Heat Vision and Jack moving toward one 
       another, their silhouettes meeting in the center, against 
       a gigantic SUN.

                           NARRATOR (cont’d) (V.O.)
                 Together, they must run for their 
                 lives, blocked at every turn by 
                 adventure.

       TITLE: HEAT VISION AND JACK

       -- Jack punches a werewolf across the face

       -- Jack makes out with a beautiful woman.

       -- Jack types on a computer keyboard in a dark office.  
       The screen says “ACCESSING MAINFRAME.”

       -- Jack sword-fights with the Devil.

       -- Jack, naked, next to a GIGANTIC PENCIL.  Realizing 
       he’s been shrunken down, he looks at the pencil and 
       SCREAMS.

       -- Jack stands in blackness, looking at us, smiling.  
       TITLE: JACK BLACK as JACK AUSTIN

       -- Close on a motorcycle tire peeling rubber.

       -- Heat Vision pops a wheely and hits a fat chef in the 
       head with his front tire.

       -- Two women kiss Heat on the sides of his headlamp.

       -- Heat Vision is parked in blackness.  TITLE: OWEN 
       WILSON as the voice of HEAT VISION

       -- A metal NASA door SPLITS down the middle, revealing 
       Ron Silver.  He marches forward as if he’s going to kill 
       us.  TITLE: RON SILVER as HIMSELF

       [For a few brief notes, the music gets plinky and light 
       hearted as:]

       -- Jack and Heat Vision argue over a batch of burnt 
       cookies- Jack is wearing a lead apron with a radioactive 
       symbol on it.

       [The music turns hard and studly again:]

       -- Heat Vision jumps over a car- by himself!

       -- An explosion.

       -- Jack leaps over a stack of cardboard boxes, tackling a 
       hood.

       -- Jack soars through the air toward us on Heat Vision, 
       backlit by the humongous sun.

                                                           FADE IN:

       EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - NIGHT

       JACK speeds down the dark, open road.  He’s wearing a 
       blue NASA jumpsuit and yellow navigator shades.  

                           JACK
                 Let me know when your tires start 
                 wearing down, Heat Vision.  

       Whenever HEAT VISION, the motorcycle, speaks, his 
       headlight BLINKS.

                           HEAT VISION (V.O.)
                 My wheels’ll are fine, Jack, but I’m 
                 starving.

       Jack looks down to the FUEL GAUGE.  It’s nearing E.

                           HEAT VISION (cont’d) (V.O.)
                 Hey, remember when I was human, and we 
                 ran out of gas in Tijuana and we drank 
                 that cheap tequila and you woke up 
                 with a 72 year old woman?

       Jack squints ahead, trying to see the road.  It’s 
       strobed, due to Heat Vision’s excited speech.

                           HEAT VISION (cont’d) (V.O.)
                 And she followed us to the border and 
                 the police wouldn’t let you back into 
                 America until you kissed her in front 
                 of everybody-

                           JACK
                 -Be quiet.  I can’t see when you talk.